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Friday, December 08, 2006


The things I want are often also the things I don't want, and this is both bewildering and overwhelming. The house in the suburbs, the lawn, the dogs, the nursery to be occupied by beloved round-faced cherubs who will consume my life and rob me of my sleep.

Deciding to move to a smaller town both consoles and disappoints me. It will be safer, it will be friendlier, it will provide my future children the innocence I was so lucky to have. But it also feels like an end to my wandering, an end to exploring, an end to growing in the way I've always grown. This new direction also marks the end of one long followed.

Planning for a life is both limiting and exhilarating. To know where I'm going makes me at once eager to get there, and numb at its inevitability. And the contradiction can be exhausting.


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